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Sunday, February 27, 2005

dirty laundry?

I am a Christian, and born as a catholic, whatever it’s called, protestant, Bethany, charismatic, gereformeerd, catholic, etc., I am Christian.
Today I’m not writing about my believe, and to provoke your thoughts into this.
In fact, what I’ve been experiencing, provoke me to write this down.

I have a good friend, a best friend, a friend that I know her as a very good person and kind hearted. I love her still and respect her more everyday although she claimed to be a non believer—in God, I don’t dare to call her an atheist, since I’m not really sure its true definition.
I have another friend, the one that I just knew, a young talented artist, which once on our way from Jakarta to Bandung, mentioned that ‘god[s]’ and ‘religion[s]’ are creations of persons that desperate on their life—if I may put it in my reinterpretation of our hours discussion.
I also have an acquaintance, or maybe a friend, that once so annoyed when I said, “in fact, I don’t agree with people using Jesus as a cursing word,” while we watched Bend It Like Beckham. We then—I regret it completely— were trapped in a debate where I defended this name as my God’s name which people should pay respect on, and he defended this attitude—cursing with Jesus name—as just unintentional casual deed.

Eventhough I was defending Jesus name in that discussion, and involved in debates about god as creation of depressants or not, I have to underline this that I’m not a good Christian still. Not those who regularly go to church weekly, pay 10% of their income, fasting, or even fight for God's name.
I should admit, I curse with F word, or S word or D word, or whatever words in my mother language.

Don’t take it wrong, it’s nothing to do with confession here. It’s more a reproach from me to me, on my believe, religion and God.

Ask those persons who closed to me, and they will describe me as a very critical, hard and bitter person, which is far from what you hope to see in Christians.

Now, you ask me what the purpose then of this writing, am I building my argument that’s another perspective of Christianity? Not at all. Excuse me to make myself clear: this is merely a reproach towards my self and my believe.

I’m telling myself that I am a complete human.

I admit my weaknesses, and struggling hard to stand tall on it.
Particularly in my age right now.
My last discussion with that artist friend of mine, was about why we bother so much on small things—together with big things—in this age of ours. Is it what they call quarter life crisis? [hello..., isn't it always much simple to give it a philosophical point of few, then religious way?]

We hope that we can proof ourselves, while we never know actually what may come tomorrow, or the day after, or even an hour after.
These last few thoughts on the unexpectedness of life even drown me deeper into my consciousness on my humanity, my weaknesses.
Thus, I start to think what if I lost my breathe a month, week, day or even a minute after…?
I should admit it that I’m scared and I still do.
Ask those believers—the true Christians, who believe life after earth—they won’t ever—normally—afraid of what so called ‘death’

Thus, am I still a Christian?

Ok, no need to go that far to Death.

Let say, my worries.
In one phrase from Bible once mentions—and also in my favorite hymn when I was 10:

that God dresses up grass that will die another day, and gives shelters for foxes and food to birds, thus why you, human, which are the best creation of God, should be worry what will you wear or eat or where to stay tomorrow?
Well…it’s not the exact words, but that’s in my own word, from my memory of the phrase and hymn.
I wish I was 10 years old, when my worries were less then now, and I enjoyed life much better everyday.

Now as I—or maybe you, or is it only me?—grow old, surrounds me easily manipulate my thoughts, sometimes they are positive, but most of the time dark and negative.
Worrying has been part of my daily thought, which I hate a lot, and trying to dismiss it little by little each day.

A good Christian laid their worries in God. While me, I did lay it in Him, but sometimes as if I don’t believe, I took it back and trying hard to fix it by myself.

Is this picture of laying worries in God’s hand what my artist friend meant by ‘desperate attitude’?

Today I read an article by Mohammad Sobary, an infamous Indonesian writer, in Kompas Minggu. [sorry for english readers…the link only in Indonesian], entitled “
Doa dan Amal Nyata” [Prayers and Deeds]
It’s hard to describe it in English. Yet, let’s say something about one of human attitude: being critical.
Once a person said, if you point your index finger to another person [with intention of blaming, accusing] in fact, three other fingers are pointing towards yourself.
I just laugh at it…
Yeah yeah...just keep on laughing.

It’s the same when Jesus told the high priests that any of them who without sin could start throwing stones on a girl—that was just verdict for being mischief.

But it is much easier to point others, instead of ourselves.

Tell them to be serious, work hard, don’t be lazy, be on time, don’t worry too much, be happy, don’t fight others, stop arguing, no need to be envy, love your enemies, control your diet, spend more time with your love ones, embrace your life, seize the day, etc…
Yet out of those, how many do I really practice in my life?
Ach..
It’s going to be my longest writing, in my blog history.

In short…

Do you believe in God?
Do I actually believe in Him?
Have I really confused Him and my thoughts?


…a never ending criticism.


all I want is:
to be Happy…sincerely Happy

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